Twisty Tales : Buying My 2nd Folding Bike

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Buying My 2nd Folding Bike

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

I have recently taken up biking, riding bicycles as a leisure sports and not competitive biking. This, after a close friend Sin encouraged me to buy a foldie, i.e. folding bikes. Foldies can be, well, folded up and put into the car boot. Drive somewhere and assemble the bike within a minute or two - and off we go riding.

Sin seems to have taken his bike to many places, riding with one foldie group or another to small towns, parks, long-trails, etc. Reading his blogs hApPy HaPpY, encouraged me further. After all I need the exercise too.

Initially, I bought a basic foldie. One with bare minimum gear-speeds and not to expensive; as I wasn't sure whether my foray into biking would last. Whether it would just mushroom up and fade away all too soon. I started riding on my own, then joined Sin for some group rides getting to make new friends. We soon formed our own smaller group of 6. And I was really enjoying biking.

Just after 2weeks from my first purchase and I was bitten by the biking bug!

But some of the rides were tough, going up steep roads, and my basic 7-speed foldie just wasn't built for it. At some of the steeper and longer slopes I just couldn't make it to the top, humbly dismounting & pushing my bike up.

So what should I do? Up-grade! My biking buddies advised me. Upgrade!

Off I went around town with my son Nitaro, looking for better bikes - lighter and with more gear speeds. Surprisingly, there were so many shops around; and so many choices available. And I learnt a fair bit during my shopping stint. Frames as light as possible (from steel frames to aluminium alloy to reinforced carbon ones). Number of gears is also important with light gear ratio to go up the steep slopes, and heavy ones for speeding along the flats. Prices ranged from 2 times to 10 times my basic foldie.

I saw a few models, good bikes at just the right price, but I wasn't sure. So I went back to Johnny, the guy I bought my first bike from as he was a helpful fellow and should be able to give me good technical advice. He was just about closing his shop. I showed him the pictures I took of the bikes I viewed.

While he was advising me, out of the corner of my eye I say a midnight black foldie with lime green stripes - an 18-speeder. It was love at first sight and I just have to get that bike. As his shop was closed for the weekend, I told Johnny that I will be back the following Monday to purchase the bike.

All through the weekend, I was dreaming of my new love. On Monday, just after work I picked up Nitaro & drove anxiously to Johnny's.

Woe and behold! The bike was gone, my love was not there anymore. "What happened?" I asked Johnny. He sheepishly answered that there was something wrong with the bike, etc. etc. etc. I strongly suspected that another purchaser must have bought the bike in the morning! When will the next shipment come, I inquired. Johnny sadly replied, "Perhaps in another month's time." ONE MONTH!

Nitaro had to rush back to meet some friends, and I grudgingly left Johnny's, grumbling all the way back home. Reaching home, I was surprised to see my wife back home early. The look on my face told of my disappointment.

I was ready to flop into bed and sleep off my sorrows, when I heard Nitaro shouting, " Hey Dad! something is wrong with the guest bedroom. I rushed over and.... 
Lo and Behold! There was that bike standing mysteriously at the corner of the room.

You see - my wife was the other purchaser!

She, Nitaro & Johnny had conspired to give me a good surprise! My first love had bought me my second love! Mwaaah!

POSTSCRIPT:
They are two stories behind buying my second foldable bike, this is the hilarious one. For the serious, technical one read - Buying My 2nd Foldie

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Twisty Tales : Trigger Finger

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Trigger Finger

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

Before I go on, I better put a disclaimer, lest people think I am one of those gun-totting cowboy types. This blog isn't about the Wild West, it is not about violence. Rating here is G. So, read on.
It's about physiological ailments that hit various parts of our body - especially as we get older. I list down some of the more interesting ones.

SMS Thumb

This ailment was common prior to the advent of today's smart phones with touch screens. Then most mobile phones had physical buttons. Most, especially youngsters, will use their thumbs to type out their messages, and they can do it at a reckless speed! But after a while, the poor thumb, not being designed for this type of angled usage gets strained and the pain sets in.

Mahjong Thumb
Now these is an odd one. Skilled mahjong players will take a tile from the rack and without looking at the tile face, will use their thumb to feel and guess which card it is. This adds thrill to the game with the unnerving suspense of the other players while that player is having his feel.
One friend of mine was pretty good at this; but one fine day he had this pain in his left thumb and went to see a physiotherapist. The physio, to rub it in,  advised that this ailment came about through rubbing action by the thumb. My friend couldn't figure out how he got it until he recall his mahjong games. Rubbed the wrong way, huh!

Trigger Finger

Okay, the infamous one, the title of this blog. For the sufferer, as he/she tries to slowly open the fingers of the hand, the affected finger will suddenly flip open, just like the action of a gun's trigger - hence the name.

I got it while I was playing games on my touch-screen phone, using my fore-finger to poke and folding my other fingers outwards and away from the phone. Lesson learnt, never have one's digits opened at wrong angles for too long a time. Or else - Flick, flick uncontrollably.

Tortoise Back (aka Backache / Slip Disc)

I always think myself as a Mr. Macho, but machoness has it's realistic limits. Well,I  learnt this the hard way when I single-handedly carried a fridge and lifted it into a waiting truck. Ever since then, I have a poor back and will have back-aches even if I stress it just slightly more than normal. And sometime stressing my back was unintentional.

Once, while bending down to brush my teeth, my throat was tickled causing me to cough & Ouch!

Another time, while bending down to pull up my underwear a sneezed suddenly came. Aachoo! & Ouch!

Once the pain got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed easily. I had to flip myself over and slowly crawl to the bed's edge like a tortoise, slowly put my legs onto the floor and push myself up with my arms. So now I nickname it Tortoise Back. 

Tennis Elbow
This one, I'll never forget. Tennis elbow is caused by the frequent flicking action of the wrist while playing tennis. I don't play tennis, I got it when..... well read on.

I was once an keen gardener and would potter around my garden, planting plants, weeding etc. I even did a bit of hardscaping with some stones and pebbles laid in nice patterns to form flower beds.

There I was happily placing small rounded stones, setting them in with mortar. Mixing a mortar mix in a small pail needs some churning action. So- Churn, churn to mix. Then churn to place one stone. Churn again to place another. Little did I know that I was imitating a tennis player's action. The next day when I woke up, one small touch to the elbow bone sent an electrifying jolt through my arm. Ouch!

So, off I went to see a doctor who while treating me remarked "Ahem, you must be good at tennis." "Nope, I don't play tennis, never once in my life." "Then how?"

"From gardening......."

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Twisty Tales : Weird Teachers

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Weird Teachers

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

School discipline during my Primary/Junior school days was real discipline; sometimes bordering on torture. I had a string of teachers from Primary 1 to 6. Except for two lady teachers, the others seems to excel in their own form of unique punishment.

In Primary 2, our teacher Mr. J imposed discipline by caning with rattan canes. The poor culprit student had to stand at the front of the class and select the weapon of choice. How nice! He even let us choose the canes - from thick to thinnest. Being naive young kids, most of us always chose the thinnest, not realizing that this inflict the most pain!

Well we learnt something then. No, it's not about not being naughty, more importantly it's about making decisions. "Choose boy, Choose!" A life lesson well taught.

The following year, in Primary 3, Mr. L has his distinct way to punish erring students. He pulls out their side-burn hair. Try it on yourself, pinch a finger-full and pull. Ouch!.

I'll skip Primary 5 first and jump to Primary 6. Mr. T of that year has this big mug of water in the classroom. After writing on the black-board he washes his hands in the mug. After blowing his nose, he also washes his hands in the mug. Naughty students will be "baptized" with this mugful of concoction. Eeeeew!

Now Primary 5 - that year will forever be etched in my memory. Whenever the class gets noisy, Mr. N will shout "Hold your tongues!" Yes, hold our tongues, and he meant that literally. We had to stick our tongues out and hold it with the fingers of our two hands, no letting go. Saliva, after a while, will start dripping down onto the floor. And some of us also couldn't help it but giggle (through our held tongues) at our odd situation. For these, an extra punishment is added, stand on their chairs or desks and hold their tongues. Students from other classes walking by our class couldn't help but quietly sniggle.

I guess that could explain my penchant for twisted tales, my tongue has been twisted since then.

Looking back, we had never got angry with these strange methods, and in later years learnt to appreciate that in their odd ways these teachers have helped mold us into better people.

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Twisty Tales : 50 Names!

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50 Names!

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

I come from a large Chinese family. I have fifty first-cousins - and that's just on my dad's side. Friends used to ask me, how did I end up with so many?

My explanation is simple.
We come from a staunch Roman Catholic family.
No birth control. No pills. No caps.
And worst of all - No withdrawal. Leave it in the hands of God.
What can I say, my family are prolific producers.

But this story is not about me, it's about my late grandfather.
The lucky man, he has 50 grandchildren, and all through a monogamous marriage.
But the poor man - he names his grandchildren himself. And he had to come up with 50 names, all following names of Catholic saints. On top of that he had also to come out with the Chinese names too. That's a task! One can appreciate my grandfather's dilemma.


First off - The English Names.
Being Catholics, there are at least 5 of us named Joseph and a a couple of Marys.
One cousin is Cornelius, his friends used to call him Corny until he cleverly played on a twist of his name and calls himself Nico.
Another was named Hyacinth. Is there such a saint's name. Apparently there is - I did check it up. He thought it was a mouthful (and perhaps somewhat flowery & feminine) and decided to use his Chinese name when introducing himself.
My younger brother is called Anslem, but he is happy with it as many people mispronounce it as Handsome.

Next - The Chinese Names.
(Chinese names comes in three parts. The first part is the surname, for eg. Wong, Chin, etc. The next one is the generation name, meaning all in the same generation will have the same one. It's a different one for males and females. Ours for guys is "Seang" and for girls "Siew". The last part is the distinct individual name. It's a good system, one look at the name and we can tell which family a person is from; and also which generation.)

So we have Chinese names like :
Seang Seang - meaning Exactly The Same
Seang Kuan - the Same Type
Seang Ee - Same As Him

Me? I have the same Christian name as my eldest brother. People ask me why. I can only tell them -

 "My grandfather ran out of names!"

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Twisty Tales : Sweet Young Thing - She Was After My Money

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Sweet Young Thing

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

One fine day I received a call from this SYT (Sweet Young Thing). She was from the credit card company calling to ask for payment and the conversation went as follows :-

SYT - Hello Mr. Tan and Good afternoon to you. I am calling regarding your outstanding payment which is overdue. Can you bank in the amount today by 3pm.

Me - 3pm? Are you crazy? Don't need to work gah?

SYT - But Mr. Tan, it's overdue.

Me - How long is it overdue? And how much?

SYT - Two weeks sir, and the amount is $150, Mr. Tan. 

Me - $150 AND TWO WEEKS ONLY. DON'T YOU HAVE WORSE PEOPLE TO CHASE?

 
SYT (in a even sweeter voice) - But Mr. Tan, don't get angry. I am just doing my job.
(At this stage I was almost boiling, but decided to stay cool. So I calmly asked her -)

Me - Miss, how old are you?

SYT - 21. Mr. Tan. Why? Sir.

Me - Can you check and see how long I have been a member of this card.

(Paused for a moment)

SYT - Uncle! Uncle! (No more "Mr. Tan" and no more "Sir" - just "Uncle")

Your card is even older than me!!!!!!!

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Twisty Tales : Blow Job

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Blow Job

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

(This post contains Malay words, for translation see below)

Not too long ago I was on the way back home after a happy HAPPY HOUR booze session with friends.

I was driving along Jln Damansara, passing the Bangsar traffic lights. As I passed the sharp bend in front of the Victoria Station, suddenly ahead of me was a police road block. I managed to brake and stop in time. (Who in their right mind would put a road block at a blind corner?)

"Ada minum gah?" the policeman asked over my open window.

"Dua glass saja, Cikgu." I replied in all innocence. (That should be the standard reply, irrespective of how much one had drank.)

"OK... Mari tiup." (Couldn't fool him.)

So I got out from my car and took the breath-a-lyser.

Just as I was about to blow.....

"Sccccreeeech!!!!!"

Both me and the cop turned to look towards the Bangsar junction. A car travelling fast, saw the

police block, applied the emergency brakes and skidded. (Guess the driver had more drinks than me and couldn't react fast enough)

The car skidded and hit the center concrete barricade, flipped and turned turtle.

"KAAAAATOOOOOM"

The awe-struck policeman stared at the accident,
Looked at me.
Looked at the car.
Looked at me.
Looked at the car.
Looked at the breath-a-lyser.
Looked at the car.
Looked at me.again.

I just couldn't take it any more, and asked.
"Cikgu, mahu saya tiup atau mahu pergi tolong?"

The police man paused for a moment (probably thinking - there goes the coffee) but decided to act chivalrous and said reluctantly,
"Okay, you boleh pergi"

VAMOOSE......




Translation:
1. Ada minum gah? - You drank?
2. Dua glass sahaja, Cikgu - Two glasses only, Sir
3. Ok...Mari tiup - Ok...come blow
4. Cikgu, mahu saya tiup atau mahu pergi tolong? - Sir, you want me to blow or go help?
5. Okay, you boleh pergi - Okay, you can go

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Twisty Tales : Snake Bite Pt.2

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sssSnake Bite Pt. 2

(Courtesy of  autoclipart.com)

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

People call me a BANANA. Why? A banana is the term for a Chinese who acts more English - One who is yellow on the outside and white inside. I am a Chinese who can hardly speak Mandarin, and am not too familiar with its various customs. Worse -  I don't eat durians and can't stand the smell of them! Let's continue with the snake bite.

After the episode of the snake bite in Part 1, my co-adventurers quickly tied a tourniquet around my thigh. Not at the ankle, as they feared the snake poison could have spreaded up. Another of them quickly got on his bike and rushed to a public telephone (this was pre-mobile phone days) to call for an ambulance.

And I was telling myself, "Keep calm. Keep calm." Don't let the poison spread. I started meditating "Om...om...om..."

The ambulance came. But the attendants didn't bring a stretcher to the cliff side to carry me down. Am I suppose to pay them?

Anyway, time is of the essence to safe my life. My friends helped me limp down, shining a torch to make our way to the waiting ambulance. Again - "Keep calm." Was some numbness spreading up my body? "Om...om..."

The ambulance, like it's attendants, was in no hurry. It made a detour to drop off another passenger before proceeding to the hospital at its leisurely pace. No sirens, only silence.
What the ##? "Om....om..om..om...om"

We reached the hospital and I was quickly wheeled to the "Toxic" ward, given a couple of sedative jabs and put onto one of the many beds of the 3rd class ward. All in I was given a total of 17 jabs - very much more than what the snake gave me.

There I was, a small 14-year old boy lying on the bed - dirty and all alone in the dim ward. A few beds away, a younger boy lay unconscious, hooked onto an ECG machine. The parents were next to him weeping for his recovery. And I was trying hard to listen to the ECG beeps, are they still  there? Is this going to happen to me? "Om.....om....om....o.."

An hour later, another guy about my age, was wheeled in and placed on the bed next to mine. He was bitten while eating durians at a plantation. What was he doing eating durians in a plantation in the late evening? There's no understanding these durian lovers - they go to lengths to savor the King of Fruits.

At around midnight, this guy suddenly turned towards my side and vomited onto the floor. This being the third class ward, the vomit was left there until the cleaners come in the morning.

I can't stand the smell of durians, the stench of durian vomit is a 100 times worst. 

Uuuuurghhh......

Accepting my fate, I just turned away, covered my head with the pillow and tried my best to sleep.

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Twisty Tales : A Romantic Encounter

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A Romantic Encounter

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

Back in my bachelor days, I used to hang out with the guys, ex-schoolmates from our all-boys school in Penang. One of the pubs in PJ was our frequent haunt, where after imbibing some adequate amount of alcohol, our tongues loosen and all sorts of stories and jokes are traded.

Of course, being bachelors our eyes naturally strayed onto any nice eye-candy that pop into the pub.

During one of these drinking bouts, whilst sitting at the U-shaped bar counter rowdily laughing, I noticed a pretty lass sitting on the opposite side of the U.

Acting cool, I just continued talking to the guys but at the same time stole glances at the sweet chick. And SHE WAS STARING AT ME, and with a mystical smile. My heart started beating a little faster. And then she smiled at me, my heart-beat went even faster. My coolness must have gotten to her. Yeah! Mr. Macho!

The next thing I knew, she left her seat and started walking to us. My heart was pounding. She approached me and gave another sweet smile. She was even prettier up close. "Hi!" she said in a melodic voice. "Hello!" I answered, thanking my lucky stars.

"Is your name Jo?". Gosh, she even knows my name! Tonight isss going to be a good night. My testerone levels shot up.. We chatted for a couple of minutes, but impatiently I had to ask the nagging question. So I just blurted out, "Have we met before? How did you know my name?"

Still in a sweet voice, she answered "Oh.........  I was your junior in school."

MY HEART DROPPED DOWN TO THE FLOOR!!!!






Did I mentioned that I was from an all-boys school? Bbbbbrrrrr - shivers!

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Twisty Tales : Mr Macho

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Mr. Macho

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

My friend Albert regularly holds a dinner annually to celebrate and thank friends & business acquaintances for the success of his company. These are often attended by a couple of hundreds of guests.

His staff would organize & perform dance routines, music pieces & various stage sketches to keep the guest entertained through the dinner. They even got the audience to participate in some games (on stage of course).

One of these was a competition for the best looking body, a Mr. Macho competition. Albert asked me to take part in this. Me, being sporting ol' me, relented. There were ten of us who will be contributing to the entertainment of his dinner guests. Some were average Joes like me, others have bodice I could only dream off. A couple were below average.

We were given tight body-building singlets - the sleeveless ones that will show off our muscles best, And were herded to the restroom to change and be briefed on the competition. One of his staff showed us various body-building poses that we have to perform. The audience, we were told, would be the judges. The participant garnering the most claps will be the winner. So, there we were - the ten of us - practicing the various pose whilst looking at the full- length mirrors." Hello Gorgeous", "Looking Goooood, man!" - was probably echoing through our minds.

And now the moment of of TRUTH! One by one we paraded on stage - trying our best to show our best. A couple of hunks went on first. They had sure-win figures. The first hunk went in, went through the various poses - beautiful muscles. The rest of us waited in anticipation for the audience reaction.

SILENCE!

The next hunk went on. Same response. Silence. Funny... What's happening?

My turn then. Overcoming my perennial stage fright, I went in. Some claps. "Okay. Okay. Not so bad." I told myself. Then one of the scrawny guys went on. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE! The next scarecrow went in - the hall reverberated!  A clear winner!

"What's happening?" "No meaning!" went through our heads. Only after the prize was given, did we find out the truth.
This was no Mr. Macho competition.

This was a Mr. Arm-pit Hair contest!
It seems that while were were in the changing room, out of earshot  the audience were briefed on the true nature of the contest - the guy with the most armpit hair wins. The joke was on us. It seems thinner guys have more armpit hair, check for yourself and see. But we - with or without arm-pit hair - had a good laugh!

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Twisty Tales : Snake Bite 1

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sssSnake Bite Pt. 1

THIS REALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

When I was a young 14-yr old, I was an active Boy Scout. There was this once when I was on a Venture Scout Badge journey together with a couple of 16-yr old scout-mates.

After a long tiring first day journey, we reached the Penang Youth Park and set up camp at the far end of the park; not too far away from the waterfall. After setting up camp, it was getting dark and I made my way bare-footed to the waterfall to wash a pot of rice.

On the way back to the camp - suddenly "Ouch!" as I felt a stinging pain on my left feet. My fellow adventurers rushed over to me and shone a torch onto my feet. Horror of horrors, there were two small puncture holes near my small toe. "Snake bite! Snake bite!" I yelled.

Without a second thought, one of my co-adventurers just brushed the dirt from my feet and started sucking."Sssss! Pui!" "Ssss! Pui!" he went sucking and spitting out my blood. He probably saved my life!

This school-mate of mine is now a Datuk.

SO I CAN TRULY SAY THAT A DATUK HAS SUCKED MY TOES!

Anyway, Thanks Again, Datuk.

A Perfect World 

(For those not from Malaysia, a Datuk is the Malaysian equivalent of a Knight. So how many of you can say "A Knight Sucked My Toes!". I can!)

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